it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
