Well apparently he's into motor boating.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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