I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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