Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
