i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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