Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
