I want to walk on stilts...naked
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
