he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
