I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
