I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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