I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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