Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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