Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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