: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
