I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
