I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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