Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
