I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
