Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
