You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
