Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
