New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
