A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
