Where did you get a picture of my penis
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
