I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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