Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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