I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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