Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
