Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
