Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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