Pappa wants mamma naked
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
