I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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