How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
