Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
