My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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