I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
