My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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