Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
