Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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