i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
