thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
