Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
