I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
