I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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