From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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