I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
