It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
