omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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