I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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