I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
