Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
