The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
