I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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