I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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